Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Sarcastivist Unleashed

It's come to my attention, since acquiring a dog of my own, that there are a lot of--we'll call them "animal lovers"--out there who don't understand why certain laws and rules surrounding dog ownership exist. Or they don't care, because they're self-absorbed--we'll call them "people who don't use turn signals". Allow me to explain.

Leash Law: This exists so I don't have to kick your dog in the face when he charges me or my dog. Every dog has a moment. Every owner should be aware that if that moment hasn't happened yet, it will. Don't be that moron who is screaming, "He's never done that before! Sorry!" while your dog kills someone's kid. My dog can be a little jerk-off at times, but he's always on a leash. All I've ever had to yell is, "He's being a little jerk-off! Sorry!"

Scoop Law: I pick up my dog's shit, so pick up your dog's shit. I stepped in a big pile of steaming, stinking crap this afternoon and ruined a pair of shoes. I don't want to look down at the ground the whole time I'm out walking my little poop machine for fear someone has been a lazy, rude, self-serving ass. If I find out who left their dog's shit there, I will report that person to the police. I don't care if it's a nun or my best friend, there's nothing I'd like to see more than the guilty party being publicly humiliated by a police interrogation over something as stupid as dog shit.

The "if he's squatting, ignore him" Rule: If you see my dog acting like he's forming a nugget, don't call his attention in any manner. In particular, don't walk your dog over to meet him. He'll get distracted by that, and for the next 15 minutes while I stomp around waiting for him to find another interesting place to squat? I will be making plans for the shit-in-a-bag to come. These plans will involve your face.

The "my dog is too small to train" Excuse: That will force me to give the "sorry I had to kick your chihuahua in the face because it bit my ankle" excuse, and that's a conversation I never want to have. My dog is ankle-biter height, too, but he has been trained against that sort of thing. Just in case he decides it's his moment, he's on a leash.

The "don't pet him, he's an unmarked service dog" Dilemma: If your dog is a service dog, put a service vest on your service dog so I know to keep myself and my dog away from yourself and your service dog. I don't need to be set up like that so you can get back at society for making you sick, by finding some lame excuse to lecture me or anyone else. I don't blame you for my fibromyalgia.

Now that you hopefully have a clearer understanding of what it means to be a dog owner, it's time for me to take the ankle-biting jerk-off for a walk.

No comments:

Post a Comment