Friday, August 27, 2010

The Lingo of Tenuous Relationships

Jealousy: Most commonly, this word is applied to a person who knows their man/woman is cheating on them and is upset about it to the point where they nag and cry incessantly. Also, perhaps a friend is hanging out with new friends and is ignoring their old friend. It has also been used as a replacement for envy. Conversely, "I'm not jealous," means "Go ahead and cheat on me or leave me in the lurch. You can't hurt me."

Wrong. Jealousy means cheating or betrayal is suspected, but with no proof or basis. With no proof at hand, one still behaves as though it's actually happening and cries at, clings to and berates their better half. Or perhaps they're involved with someone who is seeing other someones because no firm commitment has been made. Jealousy is not about the shape of the relationship, it's about the insecurity of the people in it.

Envy: Someone wants what someone else has, or resents them for having it. "I wish my man were like hers." "He has a nice car. Why don't I?" Not quite a replacement for hater, but close.

Hater: One who randomly dislikes someone else for what they have. "That bitch has a nice car. She doesn't deserve it." "He has a fine woman. I'd treat her better."

Betrayal: The cheating and lying and verbal unkindness has happened. One has been abandoned or emotionally harmed in some way. This is the real deal. It often leads to feeling disrespected, and rightly so. The one who has been betrayed is sometimes accused of being envious or being a hater because of how they react to pain and rejection, but a bit of backlash is normal.

Disrespected/lack of respect: Asking for respect is pointless. One either deserves it or they don't. Being disrespected means someone is doing something to or at someone else that they know would hurt. When ones partner cheats and knows how much it would hurt their man or woman, they are combining betrayal with lack of respect. This concept can also be applied to a myriad of other types of relationships, such as a friend talking smack about another friend behind their back.

Off you go to agonize about your imperfect relationships in a more accurate way.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Top Five Embarrassing Moments

5) Told heroin addict I give myself B-12 shots, and that I always run out of serum before I run out of needles.

4) Told a mail carrier I hate coupons.

3) Caught stealing a can of artichoke hearts out of a Food Bank donation box.

2) "Pisses me off when I lose a sock in the dryer. Don't you wish you could buy just one?" Said to a cashier missing a leg.

1) "I had no idea I'd lost this much weight!" Said in women's dressing room.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Beta Blockers

Today's beef: Software and online games that hide behind the word "beta". What that really means is, "Please excuse our inability to roll out new features without causing all sorts of problems." I don't buy it for one minute. Either admit you can't outsmart a computer or get yourself some good old fashioned, end-user software testers.

Remember when software testing involved using software, not having a degree in Computer Science? Banks of average citizens making $35 an hour (in 1980s dollars) sat at a computer playing with MS Word and Tetris all day, reporting any annoying glitches, non-intuitive actions and unnecessary or cumbersome options that only a programmer would use. Programs weren't foisted on an unsuspecting public before 99.9% of all oddities were removed. It was a delightful era, when cars were still made of metal and water came from a tap. Sigh.

I would like to have that job. Online games and digital fidgeting are addictive and time consuming, and I would welcome a paycheck for doing what I do naturally. Many people I play with or against aren't all that bright (sorry) so they don't know why certain things bother them. They just know they're bothered. It would be my way of making a buck while coming to the aid of those who cannot help themselves. Giving back, as it were.

If anyone out there accidentally reading my blog is in a position to hire me, please contact me by posting a comment. I'm available immediately.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Dirty vs. Home Electronics

As usual, the geniuses that are the members of my condo's Home Owner's Association Board of Directors have scheduled outside window washing during the hottest month of the year. Here's who suffers, and why, in order of importance:

1) Me. This building has poor circulation and aluminum siding, so it's warm in here even in April. Thanks to this feature I rarely have to turn the heat on in the mild Seattle winter, but the only thing that allows me to maintain a little sanity the other three seasons is to have my window-inserted, portable air conditioner on day and night. In order to have any of my windows washed, I have to remove the special insert and close my window DURING THE HOTTEST MONTH OF THE YEAR. I love sweating in a 110 degree room with no circulation almost as much as I enjoy eating live spiders or having sex with molten glass.

2) Other people who live in my building. They think it's stupid, too. They keep allowing the Board to schedule this same activity at this same time, but they're all a bunch of pussies who are deathly afraid of the angry little bag of wind who elected himself Board President. I can't fight him alone, mostly because he knows I don't like him, whereas everyone else sticks to talking about him behind his back and agreeing with him to his face.

3) The window washers. Apart from the occasional glimpse at some of the better looking people in the building forgetting to wear clothing that day, window washers don't enjoy dangling off of a tin can heated to 1000 degrees. As stated above, this building has metal siding, and though most people who do such loathsome jobs are used to heat, they're not used to third degree burns.

4) My dog. I rescued a dog this past spring from a kind but neglectful home in a cool state, where he was living after having been rescued from an abusive home in a hot state. There's a fifty-fifty chance he's never experienced what to him will be a surprise external window washing. He will, no doubt, express his surprise at an hour when I am never awake unless forced out of bed at gunpoint. The window washing will continue on my side of the building for hours, which will allow my dog plenty of opportunities to bark with alarm. Oh, goody.

There are other things that need doing around here, and getting outside windows washed is a waste of money. It only lasts a week, it costs thousands of dollars and it doesn't keep us residents safe from the throngs of violent gang members and junkies in withdrawals desperately trying to get inside and steal something to pawn. Fixing the broken garage door, and putting a security system between the garage and the rest of the building, would. But that was shot down by the Board President.

Then again, what good is my stuff if I'm dead or in the hospital unable to enjoy it? The main problem with no security in a gritty, urban neighborhood is the potential for a mugging or a raping or whatever anyone feels like doing to a man or woman. What I find is that when you say "no security" to a man--or woman who grew up in a Martian suburb--he thinks "I don't want my electronics stolen because they were expensive." When you say it to your average, urban woman she thinks "Here's my wall-mount, flat-screen TV! It's HD ready and cost $3,000! Please don't rape me!"

What lesson have I learned? Next condo, make sure the security system could foil an MI-5 agent. Make sure to buy during the summer, because we bought in winter and had no idea what "this building retains heat nicely" meant. Make sure a woman who could care less if she can see outside or not, and who grew up nowhere near a farm, gets herself elected HOA Board President.